It`s a really confusing time, because I don`t believe in school. I think it is wrong on so many levels. On one hand I don`t want to put too fine a point on it, but... I think it is another form of institutionalization. So while I can appreciate that it is a way to get ahead, and that it is an opportunity others don`t have, it is also another flawed and extremely detrimental system to be a part of. It`s like say you are diabetic. It is fortunate for you to be able to have the money to access meds for your ailment, but better yet would be that the doctors and the society actually understand the true causes of diabetes so you don`t get sick in the first place, or so you don`t get improper treatment once you have it.
But I feel, for various reasons which I duno if I should bother getting into, that I have to do this, like it is basically my destiny. But I also feel like it is smart in life to eliminate all of the suffering you can, or in other words, LEARN THROUGH JOY. Michael has said this is possible. Why suffer? I would just be working at some crappy job if I wasn`t in school, probably. (But anything is possible, maybe I could make my dreams come true doing that, too.) Would that make me happier? Would I feel more free? Sometimes I think I would be, it feels sometimes like I have to quit to just be able to live, unfortunately. Like today for instance, I had to work on a paper and it gave me such extreme anxiety, it really feels like it is crushing everything out of me, and making me suicidal on a regular basis, sorry to say. Bleh, but yeah, it really may lead me to be free in the future, so I don`t know. Which option to trust? The question beguiles me. Last but not least there is the chance I may like the actual program better than the prereqs. Perhaps there is a way to learn through joy, even in a trying circumstance? Perhaps not liking it is just a habit that can be changed?
School can be very traumatizing. I just feel better putting that out there. Like so many other things on earth, it can be such an alienating experience. I still appreciate both of your comments, this is just another side to the coin from my pov. Sometimes I just have to share all my feelings which also relates to the Freedom need? Haha.
ps hi Chiara, I like that!