Self-Karma

[mtscholar]

Is anyone else out there living a lifetime of self-karma?

I'm gay, Jewish and adopted. None of these things are "bad," whatever that might mean, but over the years they've provided me much motivation to delve deeply, meditate (which I don't do much of anymore), and search for healing. At almost 50 (in October), I look back and see what a stimulus to self-growth this triad has been. Some pain and confusion at times, but I'm grateful to say that as I age I've grown more content, more at home in my own skin. Things that bothered me, whether internally or externally, when I was younger are often less of an issue now.

It's because of this self-karma lifetime that I think I'm probably at 6th level Mature.

[Velleity]

I think I have self-karma going on. Even though I'm middle-class white and (mostly) heterosexual. But yeah, I think 6 level mature can generally dump the self-karma onto you no matter how you grew up or what your overleaves are like...

i.e., I have overleaves that are meant to help me savor life, but ironically that's been a huge lesson, finding out how to enjoy myself and to take it easy, to not be so hard on myself. And has been a lesson when they (passion, emotional centering, mercurial boy, 6th level mature) get out of control. They're either amazing to have, or very very disruptive. Most of my self-karma has been internal and psychological (as self-karma usually seems to be? Internal unbalance or disruption). Depression, hypersensitivity (in emotions mind and body), major stress from living in the modern world, thus having to live quite a solitary 'slow' life away from worldly achievement and worldly expectations. But my insides are usually ablaze with changes and movement... i.e. even though my life may seem slow and easy externally, it's anything but internally. I feel too hypersensitive and easily stressed to work at a full-time job, and have had to set up other boundaries for my self in order not to go off the deep end.

Michael has said that my last few lifetimes were lived very hurriedly and intensely, which left no room for digestion of my experiences. And this lifetime is definitely more slow, and any time I try to go too fast, life knocks me back into a place where I have to rest and digest. Like being on vacation (Flow) when you feel you're supposed to be working or doing something. It's hard to enjoy sometimes, but you know you'll enjoy it better if you just relax and truly take some time off to enjoy the scenery and your small experiences of leisure. I've also been blessed with a heightened awareness of time (or so Michael's said), and truly some days feel like I am fully suspended in non time in a non world, just being and breathing and appreciating. It's actually quite nice sometimes to feel that life is slower, or seems to go slower 'just for you'. heh.

But definitely my problems have also led me to delve more deeply, and am having to confront a lot of personal issues (am in therapy now, and it's great, should have gotten it a long time ago), and it's all possibly leading me to use these issues for self-expression and artwork (which is what I've done in between depressive breakdown things). I still have a huge urge to contribute something to the world, to be out there in a way, even though certain things would make that a kind of bad idea, and it's frustrating to feel so held back in that area even though I know the rest is good for me and that I need to take care of myself and can't live like other people I know. Push pull of wanting a career like everyone else but knowing also that I probably couldn't handle the pressure. I'm lately learning how to accept that I can't go fast. But I have lots of people around me who would be greatly supportive if I ever decided to make and sell artwork (i.e., they would sell it for me! heh).

I also seem to have a lot of resources in general for figuring out or healing my self-karma, meeting people who lead me to particular information, or just stumbling upon things that I need to know about. Which has been amazing (thanks Flow!). 

[Dave]

Michael has said that my last few lifetimes were lived very hurriedly and intensely, which left no room for digestion of my experiences. And this lifetime is definitely more slow, and any time I try to go too fast, life knocks me back into a place where I have to rest and digest. Like being on vacation (Flow) when you feel you're supposed to be working or doing something. It's hard to enjoy sometimes, but you know you'll enjoy it better if you just relax and truly take some time off to enjoy the scenery and your small experiences of leisure.

For that reason, though, Flow is not always the fun and games that students typically jest about. A lifetime of rest can especially abrade on the personality because of the comparisons we do with others, as well as the constant expectations from friends and family. By seemingly following our inner directive, which feels like the right thing to do, we can be seen as lazy and noncontributing members of society. Many people just don't understand those in Flow, which creates an oppression of self-judgment and a tendency to over criticize ourselves. This opens the door to a host of chief features, and most likely, some interesting self-karmas.

I'm glad you're getting a handle on it, Elisabeth. Flow is not easy.

Best,
Dave

[LoriS]

I am in Flow and I can attest to the complications of this seemingly easy overleaf.  It is not simple to be a laid back, easy going, lazy daydreamer.... society and your family EXPECT many unimportant things from you.  Bosses EXPECT performance (god how I hate that word!).  They don't understand how an afternoon of daydreaming at the river or riding your horse through the fields can be just as productive and important to your soul as (ugh) work.  Most of the stress in my "former" life came from trying to live in two different worlds.  I am MUCH happier now!

[mtscholar]

In some distant age, far more old soul in nature than this culture now is, Flow will be more greatly respected. Or so I hope.

[jk]

I am also in Flow/Rest/Stagnation, whatever one calls it. Rest makes sense to me. Recently I have read that the Goal is something we are usually lacking, hence it is a Goal. At the moment that makes sense to me. I have to make myself rest. It is not that I would not rest naturally, because I would. It is that I have to balance it with the imprinting of "you must do", which you are all discussing here.

Years ago my mother-in-law to be resentfully commented on my restful nature (it used to come to me more naturally as a kid and an adolescent). I have never had her overleaves channeled, but it would not surprise me if she had Martyrdom. She never rests and never takes any time for myself. And she resents it when others do, although she does not always show it. And I understand her too, because I know how this dynamic is created.

[kenneth Margo]

What is the difference between Self Karma and plain Karma?

[wynnmill]

Simply put, Self-karma is being unloving to yourself - criticizing and finding fault or lack in yourself - being unkind to yourself.  But then again, since we are all one... all karma is self-karma.

[kenneth Margo]

I dont understand Karma to ever be  negative.To me. its the utterly necessary mechanism which drives us forward in our evolution which eventually will take us outside the 'test tube' as Michael says of the individual self to merge into the univeral ocean. So to me your term  'self loathing 'etc is not karma in any sense that I understand.  Its seems to be  actually  what you do when you avoid avoiding embracing karma. Self karma is not a useful term in my opinion.

[John Roth]

I dont understand Karma to ever be  negative.To me. its the utterly necessary mechanism which drives us forward in our evolution which eventually will take us outside the 'test tube' as Michael says of the individual self to merge into the univeral ocean. So to me your term  'self loathing 'etc is not karma in any sense that I understand.  Its seems to be  actually  what you do when you avoid avoiding embracing karma. Self karma is not a useful term in my opinion.

Self-karma is basically something you haven't gotten right to the extent that it keeps coming back and keeps coming back and keeps coming back. Once you've got whatever it is right, it doesn't keep coming back.

[jk]

The other day I was playing with words, and since Karma is generated when we remove someone else's choice, could it be that Self-Karma is generated when we remove our own choice? Oh hold on - we do that all the time...