Author Topic: Decording?  (Read 10421 times)

Chiara DB

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Decording?
« on: January 10, 2012, 12:08:49 AM »
Does anyone have advice about how to remove unwanted cords? From someone like, say, one's mother?

Ulla

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2012, 07:20:25 AM »
Jose Stevens has a section on "Cording and De-cording" in his book "Tao to Earth" (pp 233-238). In a nutshell, he says:

"De-cording is a simple mental exercise that is best done at the end of the day or after much interaction with other people. You may feel the presence of a painful or intense cord without knowing who it is from. Simply put your attention on the physical area where you feel the sensation and ask who it is. Ask what they want and what they are doing there. If you do not want them there, tell them to leave.

For de-cording follow this procedure: Simply close your eyes, visualize your seven chakras, and notice where that person has entered a cord. Gently, methodically remove all cords from all chakras, front and back, and send them back with a gentle goodbye. Fill in all openings with your essence. Leave any cords you have agreed to retain.

Occasionally de-cording will produce immediate reactions. If you have removed a persistent cord from your MOTHER, you may get a quick phone call from her asking if everything is alright. The same might be true for a mate or lover. De-cording will produce feelings of lightness, clarity, and relaxation."

Good luck with it!
Ulla

John Roth

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2012, 03:00:55 PM »
Does anyone have advice about how to remove unwanted cords? From someone like, say, one's mother?

Cords are the energetic manifestation of a relationship.

Jose Steven's advice is pretty typical. Most decording advice is good for removing obsolete and "drive-by" cords where there is no current or continuing relationship. It's also good if you really want to terminate the relationship.

Permanently removing all of the cords from your mother may be difficult.  For a cord to attach, it's got to have something within you to attach to. Unless you want to completely write your mother out of your life, you may want to work on transforming the relationship instead.

jo

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2012, 10:18:08 AM »
I would guess, that you should try to not fight against it, cause that would give more energy to it. And if your mother is a bit stobburn, maybe you should try to be friendly and do what she wants, until she wants to let go of the connection herself. Ok, that could fail to work, too. But if one person still has the intention for having a connection with you, you can´t do anything against it. 
Maybe there´s a unconscious reason for it?
just my unprofessional thoughts :)

Chiara DB

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2012, 07:13:57 AM »
Thanks Ulla, I knew that was in there somewhere in the Stevens' book - very helpful!

John, I've been trying to transform the relationship for the past 15 years, but the other half of the relationship has shown no interest in working with me,  despite my varied multitude of attempts. At this point I feel I have to simply protect my own mental health and the health of my marriage. So yes, I am wanting to cut my mother completely out of my life - which makes your information very helpful to me. Thank you!

Jo, all my mother wants is for me to be friendly and do what she wants. The problem is, what she wants is for me to belittle myself, my needs, my feelings, my joy in life, in order to make my abusers happy. She is persistent about this, and won't let it go, no matter what I do or say. Reasoning, raw confessions, heartfelt pleas, and outright tantrums of frustration are all met with the same cold rejection. In fact, the abusers' feelings are always more important to her than mine are. I can't tell you how horrible this feels, what an awful reminder it is of the emotional neglect I lived with my entire life. After 15 years of trying to change this, I see it will always be this way. I know why she does it - I'm sorry for her, but that doesn't mean I sacrifice myself because she won't face her own situation and wants to drag me down with her.

Decording, yes :)

Ulla

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2012, 04:31:13 PM »
Hi Chiara,

One book I'd recommend to read in your situation is "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. You can get is used for less than $3 - well worth it!

From Amazon:

"Are you the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?"

Here is the link (to copy and paste):
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326558484&sr=8-1

jk

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2012, 10:30:28 PM »
A great book is also Heal Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engels.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Your-Emotional-Self-Self-Esteem/dp/0470127783

Dave

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2012, 04:45:25 AM »


Jo, all my mother wants is for me to be friendly and do what she wants. The problem is, what she wants is for me to belittle myself, my needs, my feelings, my joy in life, in order to make my abusers happy. She is persistent about this, and won't let it go, no matter what I do or say. Reasoning, raw confessions, heartfelt pleas, and outright tantrums of frustration are all met with the same cold rejection. In fact, the abusers' feelings are always more important to her than mine are. I can't tell you how horrible this feels, what an awful reminder it is of the emotional neglect I lived with my entire life. After 15 years of trying to change this, I see it will always be this way. I know why she does it - I'm sorry for her, but that doesn't mean I sacrifice myself because she won't face her own situation and wants to drag me down with her.

Decording, yes :)

I'm wondering if decording will really work in this situation?

And if transforming the relationship is unlikely, you could always try to transform yourself. In other words, those unpleasant reactions you experience around your mother could possibly be neutralized. After all, your mother doesn't control the way you feel, you do. This could be a wonderful opportunity to neutralize those feelings and learn tolerance for her exasperating behaviors. I'm not saying it would be easy or that you haven't tried, and in all seriousness, the only reason I make the suggestion is because we choose our parents pre-incarnationally. For better or for worse, there's a reason why we're bound to them for a lifetime.

Best,
Dave

jk

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2012, 05:16:01 PM »
Quote
I'm wondering if decording will really work in this situation?
I think it would be helpful as a part of more complex approach. Energetic work like this has worked for me in both healing as well as terminating toxic relationships, but at the end of the day, it has only been part of such transformation. Another, very crucial part was first starting to even realise that the situation is toxic to me, then to start caring and putting myself high enough on the the list of my priorities to do something about it, liking, loving myself, protecting myself and self-observing. And this is a long-term work.

You cannot control anybody else, but you can control your reactions to them. But its easier said than done. Possible though. In baby steps primarily. Best of luck with that.
After all, even if you sever the physical relationship with mother, she undoubtedly is embedded in your phyche one way or another. And that requires inner healing.

Ulla

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2012, 05:28:17 PM »
Most people can relate to the "Wounded Child" archetype, as described by Caroline Myss at Myss Library | Sacred Contracts | A Gallery of Archetypes: http://www.myss.com/library/contracts/three_archs.asp

"Child: Wounded

The Wounded Child archetype holds the memories of the abuse, neglect, and other traumas that we have endured during childhood. This may be the pattern people relate to the most, particularly since it has become the focus of therapy and accepted as a major culprit in the analysis of adult suffering. Choosing the Wounded Child suggests that you credit the painful and abusive experiences of your childhood with having a substantial influence on your adult life. Many people blame their Wounded Child, for instance, for all their subsequent dysfunctional relationships.

The painful experiences of the Wounded Child archetype often awaken a deep sense of compassion and a desire to find a path of service aimed at helping other Wounded Children. From a spiritual perspective, a wounded childhood cracks open the learning path of forgiveness. The shadow aspect may manifest as an abiding sense of self-pity, a tendency to blame your parents for your current shortcomings and to resist moving on through forgiveness.

Films: Diana Scarwid in Mommie Dearest; Dean Stockwell in The Secret Garden; Linda Blair in The Exorcist; Natalie Wood in The Miracle on 34th Street; Leonardo di Caprio in This Boy's Life; Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy.

Fiction: Native Son by Richard Wright; Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens."
-----

Luckily, we have learned a few things from the Michael Teachings that will help us on our path. Here are a few excerpts from the Briggs transcripts (1982):

"All you need to know is you are your Overleaves.  You can be them actively or not.  But by not being them doesn’t mean they go away."

"No matter what another person’s Overleaves, we have to relate to them out of our own. So if a person is in Rejection, we need not worry about “saying” or “doing” something that may “cause” (make) them to feel rejected.  They will experience their Overleaves no matter how you/we act.  You truly do not have the power to “trigger” anyone’s reaction or action to anything."

“WHAT” is up to Essence.  When you’re not involved in an Essence “what”, you as a Personality get to play in a playground where thought turns into [a] physical object.  Whether you are enlightened or not, whether you live totally in balance or not, you will still create from thought, when you are not involved in an Essence “What.”  That’s the struggle.  “How do I know the difference between the B.S. I’m creating and the “What” Essence has chosen for me?”  You won’t.  It’s not your job to know the difference.  It’s up to Essence to know the difference, not you.  You don’t have to learn anything.  You didn’t reincarnate, Essence did."

"...the realm of the “WHAT” you are going to do is up to Essence.  The “HOW” is up to you.  A question like that is the “how” and there is an enormous amount of options, at a Personality level. And the more you allow Essence to flow on the Physical Plane, [the] larger your “how” gets, [the] more responsibly you will handle it and the simpler it looks."
---------

So we can look at our relationships from the level of the Personality and get a lot of insight from studying personality typing systems, like the enneagram, card science, astrology etc., which help you see HOW you relate to others and they to you, each from their own perspective. Since most of us grow up in dysfunctional families, this is something we may have to do at point or another. It's difficult but necessary work to reflect on any painful childhood memories to acknowledge that, a) you're not crazy for feeling/thinking the way you do about the past; b) you need a witness (e.g. therapist, sibling, spouse, friend or other), somebody who understands and validates your feelings (even if the abusers themselves never will or never could with the knowledge, skills and experience they have); and c) you are in charge of your life now and can move on.

Once you have "processed" the situation at the level of Personalities, then you can "go to the balcony" and see your life as a stage play with Act I, Act II and Act III. Some people come and stay in your circles for your whole life. Some people come for one act, then leave. Others make cameo appearances here and there. But you are the director of your life, you are in charge. The people in your life are just actors, playing their bit parts. It really doesn't matter who got the part of "mother" or "ex-wife" in your life, because you made a pre-birth agreement to work together on relationships etc.

Then the focus will change to asking yourself:

WHAT lesson or goal did my Essence choose? Is it karma or a monad?

"It’s an Essence choice.  If it’s going to complete 75 Monads and one karma, it will pick Growth.  If it is going to complete 75 karmas and one Monad, it will choose Rejection."

"Each Essence chooses when to complete a karma prior to incarnation, and then chooses Overleaves it knows result in Personalities that will facilitate that karma getting completed.  When karma is complete, relationships can continue on.  So it’s up to the Personality whether the relationship continues.  It’s up to you and her."
(Briggs transcript, 1982).

Much food for thought here. Thanks, Chiara, for bringing this up for discussion.

Love
Ulla









Dave

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2012, 08:32:42 AM »

-----

Luckily, we have learned a few things from the Michael Teachings that will help us on our path. Here are a few excerpts from the Briggs transcripts (1982):

"All you need to know is you are your Overleaves.  You can be them actively or not.  But by not being them doesn’t mean they go away."

"No matter what another person’s Overleaves, we have to relate to them out of our own. So if a person is in Rejection, we need not worry about “saying” or “doing” something that may “cause” (make) them to feel rejected.  They will experience their Overleaves no matter how you/we act.  You truly do not have the power to “trigger” anyone’s reaction or action to anything."

I agree with this on principle, but it's a good example of where the channeled transcript should have been edited by the channel and reworded for clarity. This reads like a rough draft. For instance, while it may be true that we are ultimately responsible for our reactions to others, we are never 100% infallible to emotional upset, and even the best of us can occasionally get our buttons pushed. Therefore it's important to respect the sensitivity of others and show compassion when needed for any sore spots that may trigger negative reactions. People can indeed be coerced into emotional upset. It is quite possible to push someone till they break, which in certain cases may lead to mind-f*ck. 

Quote
“WHAT” is up to Essence.  When you’re not involved in an Essence “what”, you as a Personality get to play in a playground where thought turns into [a] physical object.  Whether you are enlightened or not, whether you live totally in balance or not, you will still create from thought, when you are not involved in an Essence “What.”  That’s the struggle.  “How do I know the difference between the B.S. I’m creating and the “What” Essence has chosen for me?”  You won’t.  It’s not your job to know the difference.  It’s up to Essence to know the difference, not you.  You don’t have to learn anything.  You didn’t reincarnate, Essence did."

This apparent division between essence and personality is an ongoing argument. Personally, I disagree with this channel. We are, in fact, a form of essence. If we were not, the concept of karma, for example, would completely fall apart. Essence would be like a master puppeteer that dangled us down to experience untold cruelties for no reason at all. Such a life would be unbelievably unfair. If the lessons of life are going to matter, essence would need to be there to experience them first hand. I think there's no question that we are a part of essence or, as a channel once said, our personality is an extension of essence. It's really just a matter of perception.

For the sake of theory, pretend that you are essence right now and your childhood was a recent incarnation. As you matured into adulthood you became more aware of the world around you and your perception of life greatly expanded. But the young child that was once you is still apart of you, is she not? She just became part of the greater expansion of yourself. And that's how I think essence works with the personality. When we die and rejoin our collective self, it's more like a reawakening to the totality of who we are, as opposed to a master and slave relationship or a Borg-like absorption, which I think is a major distortion of the concept.

Part of the game, of course, is to enter our lifetime in a state of amnesia. We then spend the rest of our life trying to remember who we truly are. The Michael teachings help us remember how we set up our life, and if we stay in our positive poles and work to eliminate the grip of chief features, our core self (or essence) will indeed manifest.

Best,
Dave

Chiara DB

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2012, 05:31:22 AM »
Thanks for all your input, everyone! My husband found the right description for my parents -- it's good to finally have a name for it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parents

The situation I'm in now is that I have worked, intensely, consistently, and mostly successfully, on expunging their negative influence from my psyche. I had actually worked it out where I could see them from time to time and it was fine, even somewhat pleasant at times, in a very limited way. I even found a way not to let it affect me for hours or days afterwards, not letting contact with them reconstitute all the negative structures that were built up from a lifetime of neglect and objectification. I've managed to be more detached and compassionate, and afterward get mad and vent or just be amused instead of letting it trigger me into reliving old patterns. I also identified the child part of me still pathetically trying to get some kind of parenting out of them, and got her to accept that it wasn't going to happen, I am 40 years old now, and adjusted into relating to them as fellow adults. Notice me twisting myself into pretzels to try to make a relationship with them, and they....stopped pressuring me to come to every family gathering because they know that I am easily willing to not be present at all if pushed. THAT'S IT!! That's the sum total of concern they have shown or changes they have made in response to my many years of speaking with them, pleading with them, and attempting to work with them on it.

This latest desire to break with them was sparked because recently my mother did something that triggered me worse than I have been triggered in years (on New Year's Day, thanks Mom!), and frankly, I've worked too hard to climb out of the quicksand I received from them as my foundation for life to let some external sense of obligation drag me back down into it. I shouldn't always have to be the one to change myself to avoid being hurt by someone who was supposed to love me and is not supposed to do hurtful things to me. I just shouldn't have to do this anymore.

This lifetime has had strong slavery themes for me - I can name at least 3 slave past lives that came up for me spontaneously in my 20's, without being channeled (though some have been confirmed by channelings). I have spent most of my life fighting intense self-hatred and shame, the belief that I was invisible (and I mean literally - I was so ignored that I grew to believe that when I spoke, no one could hear me), that I did not deserve to feel pleasure or enjoyment, and that I only existed for the pleasure and service of others (you can imagine the winners I attracted with that belief!). I lived through the horrible results of that, and then I lived through some very painful and grueling years working myself out of that mistaken belief and replacing it with something more healthy. Right now, I feel like yet again working my ass off to have some kind of relationship with the people who were the source of that debilitating and killing feeling (AND DO NOT CARE THAT THEY WERE/ARE and do not feel bothered to do anything that is responsive to my feelings instead of their own) is just another form of slavery.

Maybe I picked my parents this life with the intention of breaking off with them and experiencing everything that goes with that - why not? I can tell you this much - when I imagine not seeing them or having them in my life anymore, I feel nothing but a sense of peace, relief, joy, and - finally - security. I feel sorry for them personally, but I'm not the sacrificial lamb for them.

Anyway, on decording -- I don't see it as some kind of cure-all, but I do see it as a way to help get any of their energetic remnants out of my space, should they attempt to contact me that way. I know my (abusive and mentally ill) sister tries to get to me through my dreams, which is also something I'd like to stop.

Well, thanks for listening everyone...I know I spewed a lot of stuff, not all of which is relevant and some of which could be kind of triggery for people who also have family issues. So I appreciate your forbearance and your kind, non-judgmental input. ?

Ulla

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2012, 05:26:58 PM »
Thanks Chiara for being so honest and vulnerable with your situation, which may not be easy for a King in Power mode, but you have showed us courage!

You remind me of someone close to me, who is an enneatype 8 (Leader, Confronter, Asserter). His mother broke off all communications with him, despite his many attempts to re-establish some kind of a relationship. She has the goal of Rejection - maybe it's her lesson TO REJECT him (which she has all his life; he also felt invisible, never heard, so he learned to yell a lot!!!) AND also her lesson TO BE REJECTED by him and others now (since they've given up on her).

You can still attempt to "heal" or send love/forgiveness/compassion/whatever you feel like on the Astral level (after you protect yourself from any negative influences) even if you can never resolve it on the Physical Plane to your satisfaction.

I urge you to read more about the Enneatypes - here is a free test for starters: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/Tests_Battery.asp
I think you'll get a better perspective on yourself and others. For more on enneatype 8, please check this link at the same site: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeEight.asp

Chiara DB

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2012, 01:51:00 AM »
Thank you for the support, Ulla! I like your idea of sending good energy on the Astral plane even if I can't make things right on the physical. I would like things to be positive, but I can't do it alone. This gives me a way to be positive without hurting myself.

I'm very familiar with the Enneagram -- I am a 1w9, though I end up acting like an 8 in my family because I am surrounded by bad behavior + brick walls of denial!  :o

ETA: In fact, I have spent my life acting harder and colder than I actually am because of them. It's sad, but at least now I can make it right.

Betty

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Re: Decording?
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2012, 12:20:49 PM »
Quote
In fact, I have spent my life acting harder and colder than I actually am because of them.

I, too, had done this all my life, because of things that happened to me (not what happened to you with your mother, but other things).

Over the years, I have gradually and consciously tried to stop acting this way, because it's not really me.  I am actually a friendly, empathetic person, although some people would never believe it!   ;D    So I can understand where you're coming from.

One thing:  after so many years of acting out this facade, I found it was a habit, and it's difficult to break, so I have to make a conscious effort--but it's worth it.  I feel more comfortable with myself now.